Happy birthday...

Selamat hari lahir mr. Dark Knight aka Mr. Patriot...

Semoga panjang umur dan murah rezeki selalu.

Semoga segala urusan dipermudahkan.

Semoga kegembiraan dan kebahagiaan sentiasa mengiringi perjalanan hidup awak.

Dan semoga awak sentiasa dibawah rahmatNya..

A Closure

A few words....



Hope were given... or maybe I get my hope high..
Dreaming on and on...
No words had been exchange.. but still, I thought the deeds mean something...
I thought....



Ahad, on the way from home...
Scrolling down my IG...
Saw the stories...
First picture - girl atas pelamin with kawan2, caption: tahniah.
Second picture - man atas pelamin yang sama, caption: terima kasih pada semua yang hadir....


I could hear my heart break into pieces....
Untuk kesekian kalinya...



Typing.... TAHNIAH.. send...
And no reply till today....




I dont know what I feel...
Kejap macam sedih, kejap macam okay.
haih....



But I guess, I got what i've been waiting right...
A closure...
For all my hopes...
For all my dreams... of me and you....






Kalau dulu, it took me 3 years...
Untuk kali ni, berapa lama pulak?

Ogos..

Assalamualaikum.
Hello there...



Well, I guess I feel like to write again...
Before Ogos berakhir.
I love August...
Always..
And will forever love this month.
It is really special for me.



Happy bornday NJ.
Hehe..
Tahun ni dah melangkah ke angka 3.
Makin tua wei.
Hahahaha...
Terima kasih kepada yang wish..
Terima kasih jugak untuk semua doa.
Tq for the cake and flower.
Well...Takdelah banyak..but I do appreciate each of it.
I do.

And thanks to u...wish my birthday even lambat 3 hari.


He asked me, 'Macam mana nak stop kan angka tu?'
I guess I don't have the answer.
But I never want it to stop..
Because it could mean we die...kan?
Plus, I don't mind getting old.
It is the process of life.
Kang kalau tak tua tua, orang kata kita membela pulak kan?
Hehehe..



You know, once...I told mak..
'orang kalau tak kahwin lagi umur 30, nak amik anak angkat la,'
Mak senang je jawab, 'bukan senang bela anak,'
And now I know and realise it.
Mak betul..
dengan keadaan aku sekarang...kewangan, emosi dan mental..I am not ready to have that commitment yet.
But I do want my own child..
I am...
it just maybe not now...



Umur dah banyak...what have I achieve?
I got my Masters...apa lagi?
Dah ada lesen memandu even tak drive... hahaha..
My temper dah cool down a bit.. walaupun orang masih cakap aku garang..
hehe..
I have my aininoon cheesecake..which I am really proud of it. REALLY.
I could buy my 'wants' sendiri...tak mintak orang.. hehe
I own my electrical appliances sendiri.. ni pon kira pencapaian kan? haha
Tu je kot.
I dont know...


kadang kadang bila duduk sorang sorang, banyak benda fikir.
Especially bila perasan umur meningkat.
Lagi suka stay kat rumah..
Lagi suka abaikan perkara yang dulu rasa penting...
Makin suka bersendiri....
Tu tanda penuaan ke?
Hahahaha...


Selalu je jiran and students tanya..
Bila nak kahwin.
Even, masa wish besday pon... soalan tu keluar jugak..
Hahaha..
Boleh tak jawab, tanya la Allah...He plan all for me?
Boleh ke?
hahaha



Sape tak nak kahwin kan.
Tapi kita dahulukan adik la.
Hehe..
Penat menaruh harapan when end up we got disappointed.
Bukan tak ada kawan kawan nak kenalkan, tapi takut.
Kalau benda sama berulang, I just don't know if I can handle it again...
Let just say, I have my faith in Allah and I know He plan the best for me.
Kan?



Thats all my merepek.
Take care...
Till next entry, who knows when it will be.



xoxo,
NJ

Mak

Assalamualaikum...

Well, suddenly I have the feel to write again..
My hectic week already end...
Basically, redundant week has come to end...



Last week, kak nani told that mak was rushed to hospital.
Sebab ayah kata mak muntah muntah tapi tak makan.
Ayah bawak mak ke hospital sebab nak doktor check.
End up, mak cuma masuk air.



Do you know what I felt masa dapat text dari kak nani?
Air mata jatuh, tak payah cakap.
Rasa useless sangat.
And bila adik cakap dia nak balik malam tu, I said 'nak ikut!'
Tak fikir dah, boleh ke cuti, kelas macam mana.
Yang penting... mak!
Bak kata Eizati 'kak aini, mak kita satu je, tak ada ganti,'


Perjalanan macam biasa je. tak banyak kereta...
Tapi terasa lama sangat nak smpai.
Gerak pukul 9 malam, pkul 1 lebih sampai kampung.
Ayah tunggu.
Ayah cakap mak taknak makan sangat tapi muntah..
Ayah suruh tidur dengan mak.
'Teman la mak' ayat ayah...
Cepat je tido sebelah mak.
Bila mak perasan kitorang balik, mak tanya 'kenapa balik malam malam ni?'
Daripada risau kat tempat keje baik balik.
Rasa lega sikit bila nampak depan mata.


Pagi Rabu, KakLina balik.
Kak ani and abang apun tak balik sebab diorang baru balik hari tu...
Semua risau...
Rutin mak, bangun mandi, makan ubat, makan sarapan, lepas tu mak nak tidur blik.
Kalau nasib baik, mak tak muntah.
Tapi selalunya muntah.
Ada jiran cadangkan, sdiakan besen kecik, alas dengan plaktik. kalau mak nak muntah, tak payah bangun....So kitorang buat. senang sikit mak.



I stayed until Thursday.
If u ask kenapa tak stay sampai Jumaat?
We have our reason.
Ayah pon suruh balik sebab raya haji nak cuti lagi.



Pendek cerita...
Ramai orang datang ziarah mak.
Ada yang datang tolong tengok and ubatkan mak.
Adik beradik mak datang tengok mak.
Nampak mak okay sikit.
Tapi kalau orang tanya mak sakit apa...
Mak mesti nangis..sama macam bila aku tanya pagi Rabu..


'Mak, sakit kat mana?' aku tanya mak.
'Mak tak tahu.... mak takde tenaga. mak rasa macam orang bodoh je. kesian ayah buat semua benda'
and mak menangis...sayu sangat....
Aku? Kalau tak tahan, ikut nangis dah...
I hold her hand...and try to be strong for her...
'Mak, jangan nangis.. Tak ada apa apa pon ni.' I said.. sambil genggam tangan dia...
And aku mintak mak istighfar and selawat banyak banyak.
Then, nampak mak tenang sikit.
Allah je tau apa aku rasa....
Aku tak boleh tengok mak nangis.
Tak boleh...








So, Khamis lewat petang gerak balik.
Dengan berat hati.
Sebab keadaan mak sama je. tak ada perubahan.


Hujung minggu ramai sedara datang melawat mak.
Happy dengar.
Sekurang kurangnya mak tak sunyi..



Isnin, Kak Nani and abang Awie bawak mak pergi hospital pakar.
Kak Nani hantar gambar mak...
mak duduk kat kerusi roda...
Banjir jugak la ofis...
Habis check up...doctor cakap buah pinggang mak ada masalah sebab mak selalu muntah muntah, ada infection sikit kat paru paru tapi masih tak tau punca kenapa mak muntah muntah.
So, lepas ni ikhtiar cara lain kot.



Bila tengok gambar mak..
Terasa sangat macam useless...
Aku tak ada bila mak perlukan anak anak....
It makes me think...
Should I just resign???






Mak, please get well soon...
I miss you...

2018

Assalamualaikum.

Lama tak menulis untuk diri sendiri..
kalau boleh bersawang blog ni, dah tak jumpa apa apa agaknya sebab sawang banyak sangat.


Well, last new post was published is on October last year.
Nearly one year.
Hahahahaha


Basically, a lot has changed since then.
And when I say a lot... it means BANYAK SANGAT.


Bermula dengan adik dapat beli rumah. Jauh sikit dari KL tapi puas hati la...
Satu benda yang tak best, line memang tak ada sangat. So memang memasing senyap kalau balik rumah dia. twice a month mesti akan ke sana teman adik. So during that time, aman sikit la sebab tak ada orang kacau.
Apa best kat sana?
Ada tesco, ada kedai RM2 and ada kedai baju yang murah serta kedai barang kek.
Hahahahaha...
She did ask me to pindah sana and stay with her....BUT..
Yang ni sambung kejap lagi..



Next, keadaan tempat kerja pun dah berubah...
Lain sikit...
Bermula dengan Kak Hanim berhenti, lepas tu Faris, Iqmal and kak Baiti.
Terasa sangat lain.
maybe we are like family...
Sarapan, lunch and sometimes dinner pun sama sama....
So memang terasa sangat bila they quit.
Tapi, I pray for them.... they did what best for their future kan...



Another important thing is Adik is getting engage Insya Allah.
With the one and only kesayangan dia la kan.
Hahahaha..
Well, I dont know how well the preparation is sebab kalau tanya, dia senyum je. Hahah, okay geram....
But I know it will be okay.
She is a reliable person so I dont think she will have any problem..
It just that maybe I need to prepare people asking about me during the E-day..
Hahah perasan, macam la orang nak amik tau sangat pasal aku.
Heheh....



And I think I feel different because right now is August which I will turn new page into 3 series.
Feel older than before. Hahahaha...
with everyone around me getting married, and children...
I guess, tak boleh lari dari rasa yang satu tu...
But I know, ALLAH has a better plan for me...
So let just wait and see....



Last, Mak tengah tak sihat...
Mak demam berterusan, sakit badan and tak ada selera makan.
Sampai gastrik.
So my brother and sister in law bawak jumpa doktor.
Buat blood test, the result is normal... Tak ada sebarang infection....
tapi mak masih sama...masih tak berselera...
Now, masak semua ayah yang buat...
Paling sedih bila call mak... mak macam tak daya nak cakap...

You know the feeling helpless and useless??
Itu yang aku rasa sekarang...
Sedih? Tak payah cakap... kalau tak kawal, memang banjir selalu...
Mak sakit dan aku jauh.
Tak tau nak buat apa...
Should I just quit and be there with her?
Sedih bila aku sebagai anak tak boleh buat apa apa bila mak sakit.


If u read this, please pray for my mom...
Tolong doakan mak sembuh cepat...
Pretty please with cherries on top.




Okay, mood dah lain macam...
Till next time...



xoxo,
NJ